Are you a self-sabotager?

Sabotaging is to deliberately destroy, damage, or obstruct something. Now, imagine doing this yourself that to your self, diligently, day in and day out year after year. That's some serious self-sabotaging.
It is not that we are consciously choosing to sabotage ourselves. It happens as if it is an automatic program, a program that got embedded in childhood, a non-stop tape inside our heads that constantly speaks to us in a voice that tells us what's 'wrong' with us, why we cannot succeed despite working hard and how things will never be any different. It is a program that tells us we are not OK, and it keeps getting reinforced till it becomes so scary for us to come close to actually tasting real success, or find our true potential, that we scuttle our chances, we sabotage ourselves so that the 'I knew I couldn't get it' program can win, yet again

What constitutes self-sabotaging behaviour ?
The self-sabotaging stems from a firm belief that we are undeserving of love, unworthy of victory, incapable of achieving goals and with every successive 'I told you so' the belief hardens and this in turn reduces our ability to achieve what we want. With every failed attempt, we are proving ourselves that we are incapable of being good at anything. Seeking success of any kind makes our this program kick in, and we start anticipating failure, pain and emotional hurt.  
To try and protect ourselves from this anticipated pain, we do something or get into behaviours that make it impossible to even attempt and certainly difficult to succeed. That's self-sabotaging behaviour. Self-sabotaging in that sense comes from a need of self-preservation.  We create something that can take the blame for the failure. We now have a reason for why something didn’t work out. Our failures therefore are not a result of incompetence but an outcome of choosing some other thing, or an act of nature or just plain bad luck. 
Sometimes, self-sabotaging behaviour comes across as simple forgetfulness ('Oh, dang! I forgot my cell phone. Now, I just cannot call her to ask for a date.')  or procrastination. At other times, it can even seem altruistic and magnanimous - like giving to a competitor your key insights and work products. It can get really dangerous as well - like the dancer who literally breaks a leg for fear of getting on that stage, or the lover who deliberately cheats because this relationship is getting serious. Over the long term, such instances of self-sabotage can become patterns of really harmful behaviour: self-medicating, substance abuse and other ways of self-harm, and that can really be a challenge

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​How do you tell if you are self-sabotaging ? 
Ask yourself:

• Do you find yourself not doing things which you feel if you tried you would have easily accomplished which leaves you feeling dissatisfied with yourself? 
• Do you end up failing at things without any particular reason?
• Do you consistently 'have bad luck' or are you clumsy or forgetful in a way that prevents you from taking the big step?
• Are you fearful or anxious of being visible as a success, as being responsible?

If your answers are more to the 'Yes' side, then you could take a step back and ask if you are indeed self-sabotaging.

What can help you stop self-sabotaging?
Stopping self-sabotage is a matter of getting more aware, challenging your beliefs and making new, conscious choices that allow for learning.

• Learn to appreciate your growth instead of making self-approval conditional on perfection. Become aware that perfection is a myth.
• Recognize that any failures or mistakes are opportunities for learning and growth rather than indicators of intellect, worth or capacity. Fight the program that tells you 'You are a failure' instead of 'That failed.'
• Embrace your intense and painful feelings with empathy. It is OK to have these feelings and you can work with and through these feelings. Your fear is doing its job by trying to keep you safe. Yet, listen to the other emotions such as hope and desire, and make a more conscious choice.
• Be aware of the here and now. Your past can only inform you, not define you.
• Make a shift in how you access your progress. Defining your worth from your efforts and hard work rather than the outcome is far more beneficial and gratifying than getting stuck into the pattern of evaluating failed attempts repeatedly.  

If you have a self-sabotage program, it is like driving but only allowing yourself to take the right turns.  You will likely only drive round the block. Instead, recognize that we can certainly take charge of where our car is headed, and break these self -sabotaging patterns.