Divorce and Separation

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It is the rare person that marries or commits to a partnership with the clear intent of separating. For most, divorce or separation is a hard call to make and there are usually exceptional circumstances leading to it, even if it is only one party that is seeking the separation.  

Dealing with each other and oneself through the process of separation and divorce, or reconciliation once the idea of such action has been mooted takes some serious heart work, and hard work. We are not talking so much about the legal aspects of it, as much as we are about the emotional entanglements of going through this process.

Are there any predictors of which relationships will breakdown?

Early on in any relationship, if one pays attention, one can pick up warning signals in how a couple relate to each other, that can indicate whether they are headed down the rocky path to separation. In their classic study, the Gottman institute could successfully predict if a couple would break-up, based on observations of the four horsemen (Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling) in how couples communicated.  If this is compounded with harsh starts for interactions, old hurts that lingered, or conflicts that flooded the couple instead of addressing issues, then it is a recipe for disaster.
Understanding these patterns and seeking help early to rectify such issues can help. Couple counselling is often about getting that insight into what each person seeks in the relationship, how they go about addressing their own needs and the other's,  in the process learning to more fully communicate about themselves and do so in a way that holds mutual respect. However, couples often delay working on these issues which then leads to more piling up of old injuries and that makes it harder and harder to change, leading to unhappy coexistence or separation and divorce. 

Why do couples seek separation or divorce?

While general guessing might lead us to think that sexual activity outside the relationship is the main reason people break-up, research shows it is something else altogether, and it isn't a question of the so-called seven-year itch either. 
From our experience with working with married heterosexual couples in India, we find that the following are the top 5 reasons:
1. Family boundaries:  Difficulties in defining and maintaining boundaries between the couple and respective families leads to major issues. This gets more pronounced when  there are differences in cultural, linguistic or other backgrounds of families, especially within continuing patriarchal systems of family. 
2, Lack of compatibility:  The so-called 'post-honeymoon divorces' in many arranged marriages, is because that period together quickly highlights incompatibility over food, social values, entertainment, sex and other factors. Life experiences over time again can lead to growing differences that get too vast to plod on anyway. In some couples, families try to get the couple to have a child very quickly in the hope that it forces their hand to stay together but that seldom works. 
3. Autonomy vs. Compliance: Differences on whether the couple are equal partners and how that plays out in terms of perceptions on share of work, money, resources, parenting duties etc often lead to frustration.  Changes to family, especially as young parents or as caregivers, or as companions to one spouse travelling on work, often bring these differences to the forefront.
4. Sexual differences:  Differences in sexual and romantic desire, sexual knowledge, taboos around sexual expression is often a key issue. For many couples, changes brought on by life stages, such as in physical appearance and condition, work schedules and time use patterns, make it much worse. Sometimes, it is exacerbated because one or both partners have had affairs outside, though affairs themselves may not be the breaking point, but the growing distance between the couple. 
5. Substance abuse and/ or inter-personal abuse: Often, we find that violence or abuse (Physical, verbal, social, economic or sexual), and/ or substance abuse, especially alcohol, erodes relationships very quickly.  While there may be some forgiveness on occasion, consistent or persistent violence or abuse is often cited as a reason for separation.

Couples that separate may not seek a divorce for a number of reasons such as social taboos, shared parenting or social convenience. 

In Indian LGBT relationships, our experience suggests that separation is often due to social factors such as non-acceptance by families, career differences and shifts, in addition to sexual differences, abuse/ violence and other factors

Is divorce really only a legal process?

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We think of divorce as a legal action, when in reality, the legal divorce is only one part of separation. A couple that is moving apart needs to pay attention to many other divorces that they have to go through.






Quite often, an Emotional divorce  precedes the legal one. This is a period where the couple lives as if strangers, seeking emotional support from outside, and trying to function - even if they come from a well-intended "Let's not fight anymore" place. If recognized early, counselling can help communicate much better and resolve things before battle lines get drawn, defences are brought up and war starts. At other times, if the legal divorce precedes the emotional divorce as in the case of one partner leaving the other, then there is work to be done to gain that emotional separation, without which one could get stuck in bitterness or yearning, or feeling victimized and not move forward.

The Financial Divorce is often part and parcel of the legal divorce, with attention paid on how to separate familial assets and incomes across the two parties. Sometimes, the focus becomes solely this, which then results in its own bitterness and loss of regard. Counsel is necessary also to prevent from some sense of wounded romanticism that keeps one from being pragmatic about financial matters.

Physical divorce or actual physical distance and separation, including on social media and social circles ('social divorce'), often is assumed to happen 'naturally' - that the parties will establish their own residences, that families and friends will make up their own mind etc. However, being able to be conscious of it and talk through the physical separation often helps avoid awkward or potentially confrontational situations.

The Legal divorce in itself can be quite straight-forward or extremely complicated in the Indian context given permutations of how the marriage was registered, what's the grounds for divorce, whether the parties are in agreement, and other parameters. The decision to legally divorce is often a family/ collective decision in India, and often gets compounded with other civil or criminal legal cases (such as domestic violence, dowry harassment, etc.).

Accepting separation as a possibility

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Starting a divorce process is akin to a grief process. There is a significant loss one goes through, and as with any grief, there is denial, anger, bargaining, depression, hyper-maturity and many other reactions in a tumble altogether before real acceptance settles in.
When faced with the conflicts that lead to thinking about separation, one or both parties come back with “our problems are not that bad or they don’t exist”.  That leads to prolonged cycles of attempting to 'fix' the issue, or fix the person through attempts at pleasing or changing/ adapting, which then can lead to cycles of victimhood - aggression, with sometimes roping in friends or families for rescuing.  
If the idea of a separation comes as a surprise, then there is all the more of a shocked reaction, along with its accompanying feelings of denial. Even for the one initiating the separation, questions of whether it is the right choice, guilt over asking for such a separation and causing hurt, and possibly misgivings over how families react to the news can be quite upsetting. 
Acceptance of the reality in the here and now, as opposed to what it could have or should have been is the key to be able to deal with the process effectively. Acceptance involves letting go of blame, anger and other negative feelings, and working through any left over resentment or regret, with the clarity that this is happening and that dealing with it with true acceptance is the way to experience a new freedom, and consciously choosing a new course with a renewed commitment to oneself.

Co-parenting: Talking to children about divorce

Children often pick up cues long before parents talk to them about divorce and it can be a very painful time for them.  Often, younger children personalize and wonder if they were bad or if they caused the separation. The home environment in any case tends to be stressful before a divorce. 
Children of different age groups handle information differently but will display signs of stress. Children typically cannot fully understand how their lives will be affected by this decision and a sense of abandonment can take over creating fear of change /loss in them.  General crankiness, sleep disturbance, regression, clingy behavior, epidemic sadness, sudden fears, divided loyalties and physical aches and pains are a few signs through which children convey their stress.
It helps when parents can see this stress as a joint responsibility, and though it can be hard to talk to children about it, it works best when the couple are together in communicating their news to the child to avoid giving conflicting messages. Assuring them that they will be loved and cared for unconditionally is the most important comfort they look for at this juncture.  

Co-parenting: Continuing post divorce

Deciding on how to co-parent children is one of the key aspects of negotiating a separation. In the highly charged emotional space, the tug of war about who gets how much time (and cost) of the children can often degenerate into looking at their individual relationship with the child, rather than hold the child's interest as a clear and separate consideration.
In making co-parenting decisions at the time of separation, some important considerations need to be:
  • What can make this easier and comfortable for the child?
  • How can the child’s relationship with both parents be supported?
  • How can the parents ensure that their couple issues do not come in the way of parenting role?
  • Where there are multiple children, how relationships between them can be maintained?
This lays the foundation for a healthy parent-child relationship post divorce, when parents need to continue to be able to discuss with each other on: 
  • How can the parents continue to hold consistent parenting across multiple households?
  • How can parents integrate any changes to family structures with the child's well-being?
  • How can parents maintain discipline and value messaging across households, knowing children might try and pit one household against the other
Being conscious of parenting as a separate function which is more about the child than themselves is really ​ the key.

What does the tag 'Divorcee' mean to you?

Post-divorce, being single again can take some getting used to where being a divorcee does continue to hold many challenges, especially for women in the Indian context.  Getting ready for divorce, and post the divorce, there is a call for a conscious engagement with the newly single/ divorced status.  Some things that seem inevitable are:
  • Expressions of pity and sorrow: The pitiful gazes of people saying “I feel so sorry for you”, “It shouldn’t have happened to you, poor you”, “What will you do now” are things which are hard to escape
  • Curious or blaming questions: We are a curious society, and sometimes that curiosity can be really harsh. Divorcees often face things like: "What happened?" "Why didn't you fight?" or worse, unsolicited advice like "You could have stayed and worked on changing them," or pressures to marry again quickly for self or for the sake of children. 
  • Being considered 'easy' or available: In a twisted way, being divorced is somehow seen as being less principled, and hence more easily available for sex, or seen as just being that much more vulnerable, often puts divorced women at risk of sexually predatory behaviour
The collective belief that divorced life is somehow less than couplehood or a virginal singlehood, especially if internalized, is a challenge.  Going through a separation then requires conscious effort to not fall into such traps of victimhood, and instead stay consistent in their thought that coming out of a marriage which did not work gives them possibilities, continue with their journey of acceptance, and moving forward.

Recovering yourself post separation
Recovering from separating and reconnecting to being single isn't easy. Feelings of loneliness, regret, resentment and experiences as a single person can keep one reeling. Reestablishing your self-identity is not an overnight phenomenon:
  • Allow yourself to deal with this slowly and in a manner that seems right to you. Give yourself the time to make sense of all that you are experiencing. Recovering from a major life change is a process.
  • Seek emotional support whenever you need. It is helpful at this time to have people who care for you to be around you to offer you a listening ear, a hug or whatever else feels supportive.
  • Even after separating, there might still be a sense of feeling connected or not having had closure. Seek help to address them, to deal with past hurt and restate your future expectations.
  • Stay mentally and physically active. For many, the separation is also time to pick up skills or do activities that the couplehood didn't allow for, and in any case, staying active will foster good resilience and boost faith in self.
With divorce comes an opportunity to rediscover and empower oneself. For a failed relationship can become the foundation for having a powerful relationship with oneself. 

Starting relationships post a divorce
“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”  Hemingway
Starting a relationship after a divorce can be completed, even if the new relationship was a key factor in separating in the first place. Whether a relationship is a rebound or a 'real' relationship really depends on whether and how the earlier relationship has been settled or closed for both parties.
A few key points to consider that can help one understand if they are ready for the new relationship:
  • One can talk about the earlier relationship without it stirring up anger, hurt or other strong feelings, and there is either no real relationship with the ex- or there is a formal civility.
  • Where there are kids, there is a certain degree of comfort in co-parenting and any other common ties between the ex-partners, and there is acceptance of who comes first and when. There is no competition between the ex-, the new and the kids. 
  • The new relationship does not keep bringing up comparisons with the earlier one, not even how the new relationship is 'easier' or 'better' than the earlier one. 
  • There is an ability to see and negotiate the new relationship as a relationship in and of itself, with its own rules, expectations and joys.
If meeting people through an arranged second marriage, then it is all the more important to be able to talk about earlier relationships quite clearly to be sure it isn't an issue for either party. 

When do you seek help?
Going through separation or divorce can trigger huge emotional responses, and cause to question oneself and the world. It takes a lot of energy, and can impact one's sense of self and well-being
If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed emotionally, or find yourself 'not being yourself,' or just want to talk, seek counselling.  Couple counselling too can help partners separate more healthily

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