Coping with grief and loss

Loss is an inevitable part of life. At one time or another, we all lose something or someone we hold dear. Grief is the natural emotional response to loss, and is a process by which we experience the pain, reconcile to the loss, find ways to cope with the absence of what we have lost, and move on. Each of us grieve differently, but grieve we have to so that we can heal from our losses.

Some losses we are able to take in our stride, and we feel the loss as intensely as we felt the connect or love. When losses come suddenly, in traumatic ways or in quick succession, it can severely challenge our natural coping abilities.

Understanding grief and loss

Life could feel like smooth sailing along an idyllic river or even choppy but manageable, when we are suddenly struck by unforeseen rapids and loss or bereavement strikes. We get sucked into the whirlpool at the bottom of it, and get thrown around, feeling its impact emotionally, physically and spiritually. We go through feelings of denial, anger, desperation, guilt, pain, regret and a ton of other tough, jagged emotional edges, and physically, it affects our sleep, appetite and general functioning.

Sometimes, the impact could be severe, and makes us feel like we are breaking apart, and yet, most times, we are able to mourn and accept the loss, and come back to the business of living again.

How does grief work

The process of grieving generally passes through shock, to denial, to bargaining, to anger, to sadness and finally acceptance. In reality, it is never as neatly phased as that. We move back and forth in wild swings depending on what's going on for us.

Image: "The whirlpool of grief" Dr Richard Wilson

Expressing grief and loss

Each of us grieve differently. For some, the cognitive side takes over and we try and rationalize it and come to a sad acceptance. Others, are angry, outraged and
lash out at the unfairness of their loss. Yet others may withdraw. Some might write or draw, or connect with others. There may be tears, there may even be laughter.

There is no one right or wrong way to grieve. What helps is being able to feel and think through it, having a strong support system, physical exercise and, most importantly, self-compassion.

How can you help yourself?

Grieving is a natural reaction to loss, and the healthy experience of grieving can be a healing experience, and help make new meanings about what it is to be alive. The challenge of grief is that it an intensely personal experience, and yet one that affects our ability to 'be ourselves' or function as usual.

When grieving, to make it gentler for yourselves, you could:

Let your immediate social and work circles know about your bereavement or loss. Let them know you are grieving so that they can understand your challenges.
Share your grief. Share time with others who mourn.
Tough as it is, when you are ready, start your regular work or other routines. Pay attention to your everyday routine including eating, sleeping and physical exercise
Create a special time and small rituals for yourself for everyday remembrances. It might be lighting a candle, or playing some specific music, or cooking a certain dish.
Mark and observe anniversaries and other special days, where there is likely a deeper sense of the loss and a deeper pain and sadness, with special observances that are meaningful to you and the memory.

When you feel like it, allow for something new to come up. Be open to new experiences. Engage in some other activity that you may not have otherwise done. In time, you will grow around your grief. You can revisit the loss for the meaning it had, and yet take joy in other things that life is about.

Allow yourself time and space for your grieving process. You may go through emotional upheavals, and that's OK. Tell yourself it is to be expected in such a time. Treat yourself with compassion.

Grieving without goodbyes

Bereavement especially when out-of-turn, as in with a child, or through accident, suicide or homicide can especially be traumatic to deal with, given there was no time to prepare oneself for the bereavement.

Thoughts of how the death could have been prevented, and feelings of anger/ blaming or guilt, wanting to somehow find some sense in an essentially irrational event and disbelief at the thought of the loss can be dominant. Working through the goodbyes without having the chance of closure is hard.

Connecting to the reality of the event helps ground the loss, and ready oneself to grieve. Finding meaningful work and connections to help prevent others' loss through such circumstances helps. Finally, being able to say bye by oneself or with another's assistance helps let go.

Grieving for sudden losses

Losses of significant relationships (through divorce or break-ups), of livelihood (through redundancy, bankruptcy etc), of ability (through accidents, social strife etc), of lifestyles (through natural disasters etc.) can be traumatic.

They can lead to extreme feelings of insecurity, fear, anger, guilt at survival, shame at not having prevailed and many other powerful and difficult emotions. Anxiety over a possible recurrence, and the stress reactions can be debilitating

Recognizing what happened as a loss and being able to mourn for what was once there is an important part of recovery. Rebuilding one's life, recovering self-worth and letting go of the helplessness associated with such losses goes hand-in-hand with grieving for such loss.

Complicated grief

For many of us, we are able to work through our grief, and come back to normal functioning in a few months or so. However, for a few, the experience becomes complicated, and they may need assistance if they experience:

Increasing intensity that does not reduce even after a year
A preoccupation with what was lost, at the cost of what is present, or a willful avoidance of the lost
Persistent feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness, or anger, or bitterness
Difficulty enjoying anything or engaging in personal interests, and a sense of betrayal or outrage if others begin to express enjoyment
Lack of energy or will to function, or engage in work or other activities.

Complicated grief shows similar signs of depression, and often needs similar help, including medical. Please reach out for help if you find yourself exhibiting such signs.

When do you seek help?

Loss and grieving becomes a problem if you find that how you express and experience grief has affected your significant relationships, including at work, or if your ability to function is down. Sometimes, the society around you might make it hard for you to mourn your loss - they may not have the time or space to listen or talk with you, or pressure you to move on already, or may not understand how you are grieving.

If you find it difficult to get through the grieving process by yourself, seek help.

More Information

1. Tools for grieving and coping with loss
2. GoodTherapy on Coping with Grief
3. Bereavement Trust UK on Growing around grief
4. Help guide on Coping with grief and loss
5. David Baxter in PsychLinks on Grief and bereavement in sudden or accidental death