Happy families and dysfunctional families

When people live together, there are bound to be conflicts, differences of opinion and varied emotions at play. No family is perfectly happy all the time, or even perfectly functional. Like it or not, all families operate with some degree of dysfunction every now and then. The occasional break from the functional norm does not make 
The difference between healthy and unhealthy families is that in the former, the family doesn't stay dysfunctional. It is able to re-focus on the emotional, physical and spiritual needs of its children or partners once the disruptive event has passed (a fight, life event, death, etc.), while in an unhealthy family, the dysfunction persists and the needs of one or more person are chronically neglected in the long term. 

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““Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way..” 
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― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

What does dysfunction look like?

Dysfunctional families typically show one or more of the following traits:

• Ineffective Communication:  The family ceases to be a safe space where individuals can exist without fear and thrive as human beings. Instead of being places where every family member can talk without fear, be confident of being listened to and express their needs and desires effectively. there are stony silences, shouting, confrontations, verbal abuses etc.
• Unpredictability & Fear:  Fear and unpredictability (even from external sources like financial hardship, crises, major events) can be an immense source of stress for the family. If families become a place where one needs to walk on eggshells, afraid to let one's hair down and relax because it might upset one or more family member, it can be quite unhealthy.  
• Constant Conflict: The occasional heated discussions between family members on politics, choice of clothing, friends or anything does occur, but if a state of constant conflict and anxiety is the norm for your family, then it is definitely a warning sign. The conflict could be under the radar, or constant loud, angry eruptions over trivial day-to-day issues, either way leaving people feeling angry, resentful, neglected or sad at the end of the day.
• Control: This is a state where one or more family member constantly exerts their will over another member/s, suppressing another. It could be a parent constantly telling a child what to do, or a spouse dictating the others’ social life and career choices; control comes in many forms. Control stifles the individuality of the family member/s, leading to a gradual loss of trust, frustration and resentment.  
• Abuse: Physical, emotional and sexual abuse is clearly a sign that there is severe dysfunction within a family. Here, the abuser’s needs take on a larger than life proportion, neglecting everyone else’s.
• Addiction: Addiction – whether to substance, or unhealthy emotional and behavioral patterns make the person inaccessible to other family members, affecting the dynamics and health of the entire family unit. An addiction (particularly substance abuse or gambling) could also be a source of financial drain to the family, causing immense stress for everyone involved. 

What are habits of happy families?

​Resilient families that can bounce back from hard times tend to practice quite a different set of habits:

• Set an Intent:  Having the right intent is often the toughest, but most crucial part of the journey. Families that decide to prioritize being a healthy family and intend to keep it that way find it easier.  Stephen Covey suggests in his book to: (1) clear vision of your destination, (2) choose a flight plan, and (3) get a compass to keep you on track.
  
• Move from a ‘me’ to a ‘we’ mindset: While individuality is respected, when family members also focus on the 'we', the family unit intact, there is a significant shift in loyalty, in how conflicts are resolved, how the family talks to each other and creating & meeting common goals. 
  
• Communication: Openness and ability to reflect conflicts is key for family health. In his book ‘The 24x7’ Marriage’, psychiatrist Vijay Nagaswami says "when couples tell me they don’t fight, I’m concerned about their relationship."  Good fights can help families get closer.
  
• Spend time together: Creating a healthy family is all about keeping a pulse on the family unit, making each member a priority, and caring about what’s going on in each member's life  despite everything that might be going on outside.  Healthy families have a fair bit of shared time that might be meal times, holidays, weekends or other things that help bond and create memories as a family.
  
• Spend time apart, invest in your well-being: One of the key tasks for a good marriage, according to the American Psychological Association, is this: ‘Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner's autonomy.’ 

When each member has deeply fulfilling lives and is invested in their own personal growth and happiness, it contributes tremendously to the overall health of the family. Whether as a parent, partner, work on individual healing and then bring the ‘best of you’ to your family.

Healthy families are not accidents, or just plain luck. They take intent, hard work and persistence.

What can you do now to becoming a healthier family?

No matter where you are between being fully functional and dysfunctional, there is always room to become betterThe following tips can help :  

• Give space. Give family members a space to express themselves freely without fear and judgment, listen attentively. Set aside a time each day for this – plan a meal together.
• Fight fair. The goal of a ‘fight’ is to resolve a conflict and not to shame or put the other person down. Fight with a ‘we’ mindset instead of a ‘me’ mindset.
• Respect everyone. Whether 5 or 40 years old, every individual deserves respect. Your children are not ‘mini you’s’, your partner is not an extension of you – value their opinions.
• Talk, but also listen, without prejudice.
• Maintain boundaries. Get together as a family, while also respecting personal boundaries. 
• Maintain rules. Lay down the rules for communication in your household: no hitting and no verbal abuses are good places to start. 

Change really needs to start with just one. It doesn't need everyone to be on the same page or make the same degree of improvement. Even any one person's efforts can make a remarkable difference as families are systems, and one change can have a positive impact on the entire family. Often with families, the dysfunctional dynamics become a vicious circle of blame, victimhood and standoffs, leading to a gridlock between the parties involved. Talking to someone who has no stake in your family dynamics, who can be a sound listening board and can offer insightful intervention can help dispel the stalemate and set you on the path to healthy functioning once more.

When should you seek help

Seek out a counselor, therapist, self-help group or doctor if:

• You are unable to work through the situation on your own or with the help of your family members.
• The situation continues to worsen, affecting the health and mental well being of family members.
• The situation is a threat to life of one or more family members.
• If you are dealing with an addiction (drug, alcohol, sex) or with abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, mental).

More Information

1. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families 
2. What Do You Really Want for Your Children? 
3. The Secrets of Happy Families
4. The 24x7 Marriage