Did you make any resolutions for yourself for 2015? If you were able to stick with them and really make it count, congratulations. If you weren’t able to, don’t beat yourself up about it - statistics show that most new year resolutions fail in the first few months. In fact, only 40% are active in the second half of the year. It doesn’t mean that New Year resolutions are a waste of time, and certainly not that we are not capable of following through – it just means that we need to be smarter about it.
For 2016, you might, along with hundreds of others, be making resolutions about getting fitter, saving better, studying more, spending more ‘Me’ time etc. Any of them are doable, if you choose ONE specific goal, and are SMART about it: Make your plan Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Targeted. If you are planning to get fitter, set a goal to run the 10K in Nov, work backwards through the year into smaller goals, such as three days at the gym, desserts only twice a week etc. Keep it simple and doable, and get a buddy to share your resolution – that helps.
Happy New Year to you and may your resolutions come true.
"Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, any one can start from now and make a brand new ending"
We in India are entering our peak holiday season - Ganesh pooja and Id are over, Dussehra is just about done, and it will be Deepawali in a few weeks and Christmas soon enough. Much of these holidays are based on religious occasions and come with their own rich and particular cultural flavour and heritage.
For many of us, especially those who have moved far from our home towns and original communities, it is a time to reconnect with our families of origin and extended communities, which explains why for almost all major modern cities like Bangalore, Hyderabad and Chennai, the festive season means a mad rush at the bus and train stations as thousands of us rushing to get to our home towns in time for the celebration.
All the loud, colourful and festive celebrations are great for those who feel celebratory, but it is an especially difficult time for those who are going through painful losses, have suffered the passing on of a loved one, or have not had such connections. Festive occasions and holidays are especially stressful for those in such circumstances. It can be depressive and a reminder of what one does not have and a source of pain, loneliness and suffering, as much as it is a source of joy to others.
Which brings us to the conversation: How can one protect oneself in festive times, when the whole world seems to be joyful and we just cannot?
Assertiveness is a skill, and you CAN learn to be assertive
What does being assertive mean to you? Does it mean exercising your rights every time, with every one? Or is it knowing when to let someone else or some other cause or outcome take precedence over your rights? Is the boss who piles work on an employee on a Friday evening being assertive? Or, is it when that employee tells the boss that the work will be done post the weekend?
It isn’t always easy to identify truly assertive behaviour. This is because there is a fine line between assertiveness and aggression.
Assertiveness is not necessarily easy, but it is a skill that can be learned. Developing your assertiveness starts with a good understanding of who you are and a belief in the value you bring – which is the basis of self-confidence. Assertiveness builds on that self-confidence.
Developing Your Assertiveness:
While some people are naturally more assertive than others, even if your disposition tends more towards being either passive or aggressive, you can develop your assertiveness by working on the following
Every fairy tale ends with a happy ever-after message, and in reality, we know that no such thing exists or is possible, or is even desirable. There will always be nature that does something - the flowers wilt, summer gets over, school reopens. Life and death continue their cycles.
Making ourselves believe that we should just not heed any such event, and try really hard to satisfy the social pressures to be happy, always and as much as you can, is only doing ourselves a disservice. Sadness associated with losses, either through natural causes or due to errors of judgement, or due to competitive losses, can help us develop better judgement, prepare for future events and motivate us.
"One of the primary reasons we have emotions in the first place is to help us evaluate our experiences." - Adler
We were given all these emotions because they do give us a real advantage. Being sad over having lost the 100m dash can help us know ourselves better - maybe we will get faster, maybe we will change our sport, maybe next time we'd sit in the rafters and cheer a friend, but we will get through it and learn from it.
Instead of trying to avoid or ignore sadness, a healthier alternative would be to:
Going through the temporary and event-driven sadness, as and when they occur, can be a life-enriching experience, if only we let it. The way to feel better is often through the sadness when it comes, and not around it or to just avoid it.
At the first instance, Cutting and self-harm may not necessarily mean the person is suicidal, though of course, it cannot be ruled out off-hand. Current thinking reflects that cutting behaviour, might be a way of expressing deep emotional pain that they don't have the full capacity to express, explore and process.
Usually, cutting is a secretive, and often obsessive behaviour that is in private. To know if a child might be cutting, look out for changes:: changes in clothing with a preference for full-sleeved shirts, increase in bathroom breaks, avoiding preferred activities and usual social groups or adopting small cliques that stay aloof from others.
When as an adult you come across a teenage person cutting herself, the first thing is to know that this could be serious, and to alert the immediate family for possible counselling and mental health intervention. You can let the teenager know that you have become aware of this behaviour, your concern and your availability to discuss things if they want to, but please do not insist that they disclose. You can help by remaining calm and patient, much more than becoming anxious or panicking.
What you may not want to do:
1. Don't make a hue and cry about it. Don't publicize it or make it a public knowledge. Certainly keep it confidential from other students and peers.
2. Don't demand that the child stop the practice, or threaten with adverse consequences
3. Don't probe, and don't assume highly traumatic events. Don't ask for any details on possible family issues, especially if you know of any dysfunction
4. Don't lecture them on how they should cope with life challenges, what is good for them or how they need to grow up
5. Don't make them feel guilty or shamed. Do not tell them they are hurting you, their family or school by this behaviour
At the same time, this is difficult for an adult to witness and feel helpless. Please don't make it your mission to change things, and if the child is not willing to discuss with you, please don't take it as a personal disappointment or get frustrated.
Even if the child doesn't want to discuss with you, you can still help by:
1. Keeping a watchful eye over the child, reducing alone time of the child
2. Helping the child engage with other activities (without making a project of it)
3. Staying open and available when the child chooses to try and express
4. Keeping the environment as predictable and friendly as possible
What to do when the child starts to talk about it:
When the child does begin to express, you can help by asking simple questions to try and understand. Gently look to help them find other resources for themselves, and to identify positive qualities about life and themselves. Try and maintain a non-judgmental attitude, and try to take an attitude that nothing is too shocking for you.
You need not agree with them or feel the same way, but you can express that you understand how difficult it might be for them. A key benchmark is to see that the child is speaking much more than you. Even if the child is not talking, just being with them in comfortable silence can be great for the child.
Please do not try and please the child so that she doesn't cut herself, as that might lead to manipulative behaviour.
Is this the 'in' thing?
Many children do pick up such behaviour from each other, popular fiction and the internet. Sometimes, they tend to form small groups which sustain each other, and that can have adverse effects on recovery as the support they got from each other when they needed it might be hard to give up.
Look out if small cliques are getting formed with other similar people, and gently reduce grouping possibilities - not by policing them, but by increasing attractive options outside such group.
Be discrete and take help when needed:
Above all, your discretion, watchfulness, patience and availability matter. Please do consult a mental health consultant, or a psychiatrist when needed. They will work with the children and as the children learn more effective communication and coping tools, self-harming behaviour does tend to go away.
Caring for your loved one with severe mental illness may take priority, but keeping yourself physically and mentally fit is important too
What is caregiver stress?
Caring for a loved one with a severe mental health disorder or psychotic illness can be challenging for the caregiver due to the various factors involved: having to accept that their loved one has been diagnosed with a mental illness and may not be able to function normally for a period; the intense emotions that arise while caring for their loved one, and the sheer practicality of having to balance caregiving with household chores or a job. To add to this, the stigma that surrounds mental illness in our society makes the task of the caregiver tougher in some situations.
The term ‘caregiver stress’ refers to the distress caused to a caregiver due to their loved one’s illness, or the strain posed by their caregiving duties
Experts use the term caregiver burden to refer to the distress and lifestyle adjudtments that a caregiver makes when they begin caring for their loved one. These adjustments could be practical: having more tasks to do as they assume the caregiver's role; Occupational (having to make significant changes at work, or quit their job if they are a full-time caregiver); financial (dealing with increased expenses and possibly, decreased income) and social (being unable to mingle freely with family and friends due to the stigma surrounding mental illness).
Conditions with distressing symptoms
Most people with severe mental health disorders such as psychosis or schizophrenia exhibit two types of symptoms:
Negative symptoms can come across as being more severe because they take something away from the 'normal' functioning of the individual; they are more easily observed by people around the person with mental illness, and mark them as being 'abnormal' in their behaviour.
Some people with mental health issues may be suspicious of their family and caregiver; this may be a source of stress for the caregiver, particularly when they do not want to be open about their loved one’s mental illness. The fears about being identified or found out could lead to lack of good relationship with friends, neighbors, family or community. The caregiver may have a sense of self-imposed isolation due to which they are unable to share their feelings or their challenges with the people around them.
Persons with some mental disorders – such as schizophrenia or psychotic disorder – may experience delusions or hallucinations. When a person has delusions or hallucinations, they may think that the caregiver is conspiring against them. They may get angry or laugh loudly in response to the delusions. This may lead to misunderstandings or mistrust between the patient and caregiver.
Persons with auditory hallucinations may be lost, withdraw into their own world, act out or speak to themselves. The caregiver may find this tough to understand or manage, especially in social situations. Sometimes, a person with delusions or hallucinations may lose their temper, abuse those around them, or get violent for no apparent reason.
Often, these behaviours can be observed as small variations of appropriate or socially-accepted behaviour. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness about mental health means that most caregivers wait until the behaviour becomes very pronounced or bizarre before they consult a mental health professional. Psychiatrists say that the earlier a person is brought to a mental healthcare center, the greater the chance of the person living an independent, functional life after treatment. Late diagnosis can lead to the development of certain behaviours that puts a strain on the caregiver, and could lead to caregiver frustration and burnout.
Stress caused by stigma
Very often, the stress caused by the person’s symptoms or behaviour becomes harder to manage due to the stigma surrounding mental illnesses. Take the example of Rajesh, who was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.
Rajesh’s parents found it difficult to take care of him because he was always suspicious of them. The stigma made them hide the news from extended family and friends. Because they were afraid of the neighbours finding out about the illness, they began avoiding their neighbors and relatives, particularly when Rajesh had psychotic episodes. They were afraid of having to answer questions about Rajesh’s health or his changed behaviour. The fear of getting found out caused Rajesh’s parents a lot of stress. They also had to deal with the changes brought by Rajesh’s illness without any social support.
This narrative has been created with the help of mental health experts by taking into consideration symptoms and accounts from a cross-section of patients.
Other factors that make caregiving stressful
Sometimes, the caregiver of a person with a mental health issue has to make drastic changes in their own lives; they may need to quit their job and make some changes to their lifestyle. “Earlier, caregivers had more support due to joint family structure. Now, families are smaller, and everyone is working, so less support is available,” says Dr Santosh K Chaturvedi, professor of psychiatry, NIMHANS.
The stress can lead to the caregiver developing lifestyle disorders like diabetes, hypertension or other related health problems like diabetes.
Expressing distress through emotions
Expressed emotion plays a huge role in the recovery of a person with a mental illness. Very often, the caregivers; distress manifests in the form of expressed emotion. The caregiver may – consciously or unconsciously – express negative emotions, criticism or hostility while relating with their loved one. The attitude of the caregiver influences the course and the outcome of the illness. Very emotionally-charged situations can also lead to compounding the caregiver’s stress.
Expressed emotion plays a critical role in a person’s recovery. Experts say that in disorders such as schizophrenia, there is a direct correlation between the caregiver’s negative emotions, and the number of relapses. When a person with schizophrenia lives in a hostile atmosphere, their illness is more chronic, and they need more medication to manage it.
Seeking help for caregiver stress
If you are providing long-term care to a loved one with a mental illness, chances are that you will experience at least one of the stages of caregiver burnout at some point. Caregiver stress is a genuine mental health issue, and burnout is considered a long-term adjustment disorder.
Here are some signs of caregiver stress:
Stages of caregiver stress
Most caregivers go through these stages of caregiver stress:
The early stage or the honeymoon phase: where the caregiver is confident, sees caring for their loved one as a part of their duty. They take their duties positively, with the belief, “Let me look after my loved one. This will pass.”
The monotony phase: Where the caregiver feels there are ups and downs in their caregiving journey.
The brownout phase: where the caregiver feels exhausted, fatigued and disoriented. They begin to see caregiving as a chore or a burden.
The burnout phase: During this phase, the caregiver distances themselves from the person they are caring for because it can be emotionally exhausting. They continue to care for the person, but the caregiving is mostly mechanical. The caregiver may be depressed, cynical or emotionless during this phase.
Preventing caregiver burnout
If you’re a caregiver and are feeling the signs of stress, reach out for help at the right time to avoid a burnout. You could opt for one among several interventions to ensure that your ward is well cared for, while you recoup and gear up to care for them again:
Credit:White Swan Foundation, a knowledge repository on mental health. To know more please visit White Swan Foundation
When you drive yourself from within, you are the master of your destiny
Too often when we want to motivate ourselves or others we focus on external (or 'Extrinsic') forces - rewards, punishment, pressure etc. But extrinsic motivators tend to become hygiene factors after a while, or worse, become de-motivators: Take travel for example: it is a great motivator when one is single, but the same is a serious problem when you are 40, two kids in schools and a spouse in a different job.
Is a different life possible? Think Steve Jobs, for instance. After his umpteenth million dollars or country visited, what made him still be motivated? It really was his inherent curiosity, seeking challenge, and the quest for personal satisfaction.
So, how do we find this intrinsic motivation? Should one be ‘lucky’ to find oneself in a situation where internal drivers get the rewards one wants?
Keep it personal
The really important thing is to always be in touch with the ‘What for?’ question. What is your personal reason for doing something? What does it give you? Knowing that and staying in touch with that reason gives you energy, and equally importantly, tolerance and resilience.
Keep yourself charged
Staying charged up is a matter of personal curiosity, having appropriate level of challenge, feeling you can control what happens to you and knowing that what you are doing is meaningful to you. Find ways to challenge yourself in what you do, and know that no matter what, you always have choices. That helps you stay powerful.
Keep yourself connected
Do remember – nobody is an island. The more we are able to connect and collaborate with the people who matter to us, the more we will feel motivated. Also, strive to get your work visibility and appreciation from those you look up to – a good word from a respected peer is an amazing driver.
Keep yourself committed
There will always be setbacks. Times can be tough. Your commitment to what you are doing matters - after all, no pain, no gain. And finally, the beauty of it is that the extrinsic motivators tend to flow automatically to those who are intrinsically motivated :)
The Economic Times covers Snapdeal_HR's diversity initiative 'Advitya'. InnerSight.in is proud to be a part of this initiative, along with JobsForHer and Enable India.
We believe initiatives like this encourage more people across the spectrum of diversity to seek out and benefit from employment opportunities, bring greater visibility and discussion on diversity, and help us all be more inclusive.
For more details: email@example.com
Have you noticed how, sometimes we change when dealing with an outsider, especially non-Indians? It happens to so many of us. We become more self-conscious, and even if we are well-qualified and experienced, transform from being confident professionals into nervous novices, quite unconsciously.
What causes this? Thinking that ‘they’ know better? Or that it is ‘their’ process? Or cultural stereotypes? We could speculate about it, but cannot know for sure. Fact is quite often, relocating to a new environment, or working with a colleague from a different culture, especially a foreigner, makes us behave differently even if it is on phone. We under-sell ourselves and it is not great for our self-image, and given that collaboration is key, not good for the work product as well.
The good news is: If we become aware of it, and get back in touch with our inherent strengths, we can certainly make it a really useful work environment. Here are some tips that might help you deal more confidently with these situations:
Believe in your core strengths
What makes you unique? Why did your company hire and retain you? Is it your technical ability, knowledge, managerial skill, multitasking ability, or anything else? Think about why you were hired for your job and continue to do it to the best of your ability. Your role is not to have excellent English skills or great social skills - it is to do the job you were hired to do. Remember that.
Prepare for your visitors or your visit
Whether you are hosting a visitor or you are travelling, it helps to be prepared. Read up on the local culture including small things from greetings like ‘How are you today?’ to handshakes or physical contact, to etiquette on splitting the bill. Remember the objective of the visit: the work, and at the same time, see if there are some things similar - perhaps cricket, or music, Game of Thrones. There is usually something.
Start with similarities, and any established work process or protocol. Connect at the similarities and you will be two people working together, no matter what each of your roots. If nervous, reach out to more experienced colleagues. Be proactive – ask questions when you need to and seek the help you need.
Understanding them doesn’t need to mean acting like them – continue to be yourself, and be ready to talk about your own needs and choices (like food preferences, for example). Communicating your needs and requesting for help clearly makes things much easier for everyone involved.
Don’t try and second guess your colleagues or expect them to guess your discomfort and help you.
Do remember – nobody is ‘better’ than anybody else. We are as good as our work. Be proud of your own culture, and at the same time, be open to other cultures and people.
Bottom-line: Learn to appreciate the differences, while also starting from the similarities.
by Krithika Akkaraju
Remember the last time you read an article where it was mentioned that “The neighbours had no clue as they had never spoken to this person who lived right next door” or “This person was staying here for 2 years but had no friends”? When we hear of neighbours being strangers (especially n the urban context), the word “lonely” is often loosely used to describe how life is today. I say loosely because people often tend to confuse being lonely with being alone. And yes, there is a distinction. Being alone can be a choice and it can bring happiness.
For instance, a lot of people enjoy watching a movie by themselves or spend an evening reading a book. In fact alone time can actually be quite relaxing. Loneliness is when there is an associated sadness – an empty feeling that could be triggered by several factors.
For many, the loneliness is so uncomfortable, that denial of the feeling seems the easiest way to cope – in fact sometimes this reaction is almost instinctive. One tries to superficially engage in interactions/work. However it is difficult to sustain and sooner or later the hollow empty feeling comes back.
To really cope with loneliness, the first step would be awareness; to go beyond the denial and superficial engagement. However, that is not always easy to recognize and we keep ourselves too busy to even be aware that we are lonely.
Once aware, acknowledging and accepting the lonely feeling logically follows. In that awareness, sometimes loneliness makes people feel more critical about themselves -they criticize themselves for being unworthy of others right when the need really is for more self-compassion. It is ironic that while we are aware of our need for compassion from others, we often don’t extend it to ourselves!
To really engage with your loneliness, you can ask yourself a few questions:
Strange as it might seem, there are some benefits to loneliness. Your loneliness could be telling you that you don't feel too good about yourself, and could benefit from working on your own emotional state. Your loneliness can be a crucial signal that your relationships are not as emotionally close or supportive as you really want them to be. It gives you an opportunity to engage differently.
So, go ahead. If you are lonely, listen to your loneliness - It might be telling you something really important for you.
Ajanta, Mahesh and other InnerSight counsellors and guest contributors are happy to share their thoughts here.