Gender and Sexuality : Coming Out
Disclosing one's gender and/ or sexuality differences is called 'Coming Out,' though it really could be seen as a process of 'Letting In' as it is a process of allowing someone into an intimate part of themselves.
At InnerSight, we practice Affirmative Counselling For All, including queer people irrespective of their 'Out' status, and respect each individual's choice on who and when they come out to as gay.
At InnerSight, we practice Affirmative Counselling For All, including queer people irrespective of their 'Out' status, and respect each individual's choice on who and when they come out to as gay.
Why come out at all?Gender and sexuality are innate parts of one's identity, and not aspects we can keep away and still be whole. It would be like trying to leave one's instinct or one's sense of humour at home. We could do it once in a while, but having to do all the time and everywhere is exhausting, and unfair especially when others don't need to do it.
Being able to express one's gender and sexuality differences and finding acceptance allows one to be fully themselves and live a more open, productive and fulfilling life, at par with any other person. |
Image Source: 'Coming Out' by Arjun Kamath
|
Some mistakenly believe that heterosexual cis-gendered people don't 'Come out' and ask why should others. Fact is, much of the social space (think buses, rest rooms, marriages, schools etc.) are already geared towards such binary views, and it is already the norm. This 'majoritarian privilege' is easily taken for granted by those who enjoy them, and with empathy, most people do realize the need to fully express oneself.
Coming out to oneself
Coming out is often called a process, and starts with self-realization. For most, it starts early in their life or during puberty when they realize they are different from the social groups they are in. The differences may at times be already noticeable to others, or it might be quite an internal process.
It helps when there is a supportive society around them which can make it easier to understand and assimilate. However, where someone sees violence, denial, persecution, bullying or other such reactions to these differences, it often creates turmoil, confusion, denial, attempts to 'change' or 'conform.' In extreme cases, people may try to avoid confronting their feelings by expressing strong homophobia or turn to serious self-harm, including suicidal thoughts or action, or take to unhealthy distractions.
Making sense of such a difference, and coming to terms with it and accepting this part of their identity is an integral part of growing up queer.
It helps when there is a supportive society around them which can make it easier to understand and assimilate. However, where someone sees violence, denial, persecution, bullying or other such reactions to these differences, it often creates turmoil, confusion, denial, attempts to 'change' or 'conform.' In extreme cases, people may try to avoid confronting their feelings by expressing strong homophobia or turn to serious self-harm, including suicidal thoughts or action, or take to unhealthy distractions.
Making sense of such a difference, and coming to terms with it and accepting this part of their identity is an integral part of growing up queer.
Coming out to family & friendsFamily and friends are our immediate support system, and their acceptance and support is empowering. On the other hand, their rejection can be really hard to recover from for a queer teenager.
Before coming out, it would be good to think through: 1. Are they queer friendly? Check if they are. 2. Is it risky? Be careful if there is a history of violence. 3. Are you dependent on them? Independence helps. 4. Do you have other support? Connect to them. 5. Can you choose how you come out? Maintain control. 6. Are you ready to educate them? They may need help. 7. Do you know what questions to expect? Do your research 8. Can you be patient? It takes time. Telling someone 'I am queer' is only the beginning. Adjusting to the knowledge is a whole new process. |
Coming out at the workplaceWork tends to be a major part of our lives, and more than personal freedom, coming out may also be a matter of accessing company benefits such as travel, insurance etc.
If the environment is hostile, it can push the queer person back into the closet, even if they are out elsewhere, and yet, where there is a greater inclusive environment, everybody thrives. In the Indian context, while many companies (Godrej, Infosys, M&M come to mind, in addition to the MNCs) do have supportive structures in place, there is still a long way to go. Before coming out, just as with family and friends, it becomes important to assure oneself of safety. Look for non-discrimination policies, seek out queer work networks and choose how and when you come out. If you choose not to come out, be clear how you draw your boundaries while maintaining the personal connect required at work. |
|
|
The cost of not being able to come out for an individual, in addition to having to spend so much energy in keeping their secrets, is also increased vulnerability. Any accidental discovery by a hostile person can leave the person vulnerable to blackmail, and harassment, especially where the legal position and governmental support is unclear, as is the case in India.
The personal cost also extends to a sense of frustration and possibly lowered self-worth, decreased intimacy in family relationships, and a larger social cost at having contributed to the continuing ignorance and homophobia. |
What to do if someone discloses to you
Congratulations. You must have exhibited some level of trustworthiness that you have been chosen to get this knowledge. If you maintain that awareness, and keep it clear that the disclosure is about them and keep the focus on their life and their needs, you are already doing a great job of it.
Please start with thanking them for their trust. Be civil even if you don't get it or find yourself confused. You may have a lot of questions - even simple things like 'Since when?', 'How come?', 'Who else knows?' etc. Please try and be respectful as you ask for more information. Learn and use the appropriate pronouns or words - and don't worry, the person coming out will tell you if you ask them.
Don't tell others without express permission - it is not your story to tell. Don't preach, sermonize or catastrophize the situation. We would hope that you would anyway not be insensitive to queer people, but please take extra care to be supportive in public especially after anyone you know comes out to you.
Please start with thanking them for their trust. Be civil even if you don't get it or find yourself confused. You may have a lot of questions - even simple things like 'Since when?', 'How come?', 'Who else knows?' etc. Please try and be respectful as you ask for more information. Learn and use the appropriate pronouns or words - and don't worry, the person coming out will tell you if you ask them.
Don't tell others without express permission - it is not your story to tell. Don't preach, sermonize or catastrophize the situation. We would hope that you would anyway not be insensitive to queer people, but please take extra care to be supportive in public especially after anyone you know comes out to you.
When do you seek help? |
If you find yourself feeling like you do not quite 'fit' in the brackets society tends to keep, if you are frustrated at having to 'act straight', or under pressure to get married, or facing harassment or any other such situation. you may want to reach out for counselling.
If someone you care about has disclosed to you, and you are unsure how to process it and need information, please also seek out counselling. More Information |
|
The links below are great reading material on the coming out process and its implications in different spaces.
1. Coming Out Process: From Avert 2. The Wiki on coming out 3. Psychology Today on how to come out to family 4. The Glass Closet: Everyday Feminism's take on coming out at work 5. Advocate on 10 tips for parents of LGBT kids 6. Being out in an Indian company: The Godrej experience 7. Indian resources for LGBT people, family and others. |