Coping with disappointments
There is an old Japanese proverb: "Fall down seven times. Stand up eight times."
The meaning is quite simple: Life gives us hits. There are bound to be failures, disappointments, heart-breaks, betrayals, and all the other emotions that go with a fall. Do we have what it takes to come back from those falls? Can we get up again after we are down? Can we take the hits, and still get up?
Disappointments are bound to happen in life, at work, at home and even with ourselves. How we cope with disappointments, and get back to living the life we want to live is really a true measure of how resilient we are as human beings. This resilience and ability to cope with disappointments is a skill that can be learned and practiced.
The meaning is quite simple: Life gives us hits. There are bound to be failures, disappointments, heart-breaks, betrayals, and all the other emotions that go with a fall. Do we have what it takes to come back from those falls? Can we get up again after we are down? Can we take the hits, and still get up?
Disappointments are bound to happen in life, at work, at home and even with ourselves. How we cope with disappointments, and get back to living the life we want to live is really a true measure of how resilient we are as human beings. This resilience and ability to cope with disappointments is a skill that can be learned and practiced.
Understanding disappointmentsThink about your everyday life. Scratch that. Just think about your life in the last twenty-fours, and see for yourself how many times you have been disappointed. Perhaps you might start with how you woke up - maybe there was a mild disappointment at having to wake up early, or the bed having become too warm, or waking up alone. Through the day there would have been more, surely: the traffic, internet speeds, mobile calls getting dropped, work not getting done, somebody close not being responsive.
Life is full of small disappointments every day. And then there are the big ones: the appraisal scores maybe, or the pay hike, the person you have been crushing on announces engagement, your favourite band breaks up. And even bigger ones too, of course. Fact of it is: Things are as they will be. You are disappointed because you had expected and anticipated a certain event. If there was no expectation whatsoever, there wouldn't be any disappointment. We can go through life in perfect equanimity - never feeling low, but never feeling the high that comes from having what you hoped for either. Would we really want that perfect equipoise? To never have the joy as well as the pain? Put it like that, and for many of us, we begin to say, sure - we will take the disappointments now and then, as long as we get the positive result too, atleast once in a while. |
Why be willing to bear disappointments?
Disappointments, in small and manageable doses, often do more for our motivation to grow than a perfect series of successes.
The child who has fallen a few times while trying to learn to ride a bicycle will likely learn a lot more about riding and be really good at it, than the child that never fell. Dreaming big is often a result of early falls, and having tasted early recovery as well. It allows us to become more resilient. The degree of our desire and our expectation are powerful drivers, and often give us the will and the courage to keep trying. "Expectation is the root of all heartache" - William Shakespeare |
Coping with disappointments
Often, we might get into a reactive mode and try to deal with the disappointment by denying it or denying we were even interested (sour grapes!), or working it out in some other way, such as belittling the other, or ganging up with others to 'show them,' or escalate matters by complaining or doing something else. Reacting to our disappointment in our hurt and anger may often make things worse. We need to take a bit of time to connect to our disappointment and respond to it appropriately.
First, we need to accept that when we are disappointed, we will many of the associated emotions of sadness, pain, hurt. Even anger, guilt, shame and other emotions. The way to getting over the disappointment starting with being able to express and accept these emotional reactions, to ourselves of course, and also, preferably with another person or a group who we can trust. Sharing that disappointment, and feeling validated in our pain and hurt allows us to feel OK about not being OK. Even disappointments are losses, and need to be grieved.
Next, we could think about what we had really wanted. What was our expectation, our longing, and see if it was rational or something we really long for. We might recognize a deep longing for love, for instance, but also recognize that the expectation that Person X must love us is irrational. This allows us to keep our core longing and let go of specific expectations. In the process, there is also the opportunity to heal the rupture with the persons concerned, to make it less about expectations and more supporting and genuine.
Then, we can truly commit to what we really want, and explore healthier ways of experiencing it. We can begin again to trust that we want to experience life as we wish to, and trust that there is enough in this world for us to get it. Then, we can let go of the specific disappointment, and expand our reach and vision to a whole new set of possibilities. We can harness our creativity and our other resources to find other ways, other scenarios where we can live the life we want. It may not be the same specifics as earlier, but it can be satisfying.
First, we need to accept that when we are disappointed, we will many of the associated emotions of sadness, pain, hurt. Even anger, guilt, shame and other emotions. The way to getting over the disappointment starting with being able to express and accept these emotional reactions, to ourselves of course, and also, preferably with another person or a group who we can trust. Sharing that disappointment, and feeling validated in our pain and hurt allows us to feel OK about not being OK. Even disappointments are losses, and need to be grieved.
Next, we could think about what we had really wanted. What was our expectation, our longing, and see if it was rational or something we really long for. We might recognize a deep longing for love, for instance, but also recognize that the expectation that Person X must love us is irrational. This allows us to keep our core longing and let go of specific expectations. In the process, there is also the opportunity to heal the rupture with the persons concerned, to make it less about expectations and more supporting and genuine.
Then, we can truly commit to what we really want, and explore healthier ways of experiencing it. We can begin again to trust that we want to experience life as we wish to, and trust that there is enough in this world for us to get it. Then, we can let go of the specific disappointment, and expand our reach and vision to a whole new set of possibilities. We can harness our creativity and our other resources to find other ways, other scenarios where we can live the life we want. It may not be the same specifics as earlier, but it can be satisfying.
How can you help yourself?
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If you are facing disappointments, try and work through the following:
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When do you seek help? |
If you have been through a difficult period and are feeling overwhelmed with hurt, pain and negative thoughts, and your attempts at helping yourself haven't worked well for you, please call for help.
If you are struggling to move beyond the 'He/She hurt me,' to connect with what you want and how to move forward, please seek help. Discussing with a neutral counsellor can help you deal with disappointments and stand up again more effectively. More Information |
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1. Life Hack on dealing with disappointments
2. Pyschology Today on Coping with disappointment 3. Positively Positive on recovering from disappointments |