Talking Body, Sex and Safety with Children

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Trusting that kids will learn the way the parents did, or to pass on the same information they got when they were kids would not be enough as there is always new research, studies and understanding that comes up an it helps parents to know what the current state of knowledge is in these matters. Secondly, there may be differences in how one’s child perceives their body than how the parents may have seen themselves – every body is different, so to say, and we need to have the flexibility to work with the children as they need.

​Conversations on sex and health ideally should start really early and happen all through life, in an age-appropriate manner.  Even before starting such conversations, it is important that the parents learn about body, sex and health themselves, and be sure that they have appropriate understanding.
 
We need to develop a greater ability among parents and care-givers to talk about body, sex and safety with their children.

Does your child share as much as before?

Most young children, especially when they just start school, can’t wait to come and share everything they experience with their parents. They are open and everything seems fine, but as soon as kids grow into middle school, the conversations dry up leaving parents wondering what happened.  When looking at how parents and children talk with each other, certain patterns emerge which give a clue why this happens:
  • Parents postpone sharing with ‘Not now,’ ‘I am busy,’ ‘Can you please do your homework first?’
  • Parents laugh at, shame, ridicule or tell the child to not ask stupid or silly questions, or to behave their age
  • Parents are tired or too exhausted to show active interest
  • Parents don’t encourage serious conversation, and continue to treat their children like babies or as if they were grown up.

How do you build and keep trust?

It is the parents’ responsibility then to ensure that they remain open for any sort of communication with their child. It takes conscious effort from parents to make this happen and to sustain it. You can get a great start by:
  • Being available for conversations at any time, even if it is in the middle of the night. If too inconvenient, to still pay attention, let the child know you understand but that it needs ‘real’ time and to make that time later to talk
  • Being non-judgmental and curious about the child’s own experience. Listening actively and making sure that the child gets that you are attending to them and understanding them is important.
  • Holding off on solutions or directions. It is tempting to tell the child what’s ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ but being able to hold off unless critical, and helping the child learn can help build greater trust.
  • Talking every single day with the child. Nothing is as important as ongoing conversation. Children need consistent connection and be secure that they can depend on the availability
 
Parents are more successful in being able to hold serious conversations when:
  • They build ‘special times’ with the children for 1-on-1 conversations. It can be over a shared activity like baking, gardening, etc.
  • They call for special ‘sit-down talk time,’ especially when there is permission given for the child to initiate those sit-down talks
  • When things are tough (illness, changes to school etc.) treating the child as an individual and discussing with them on how they are impacted and helping them express what they go through can help them know that it is OK to talk about tough things.​

Can you & your child talk about anything?

Getting children to trust parents enough to ask about anything is a long-term trust building exercise. They need to trust you implicitly, and that means that they need to know that you are OK to talk about anything at all – this includes topics that you might have learned to think off as taboo, topics you may not know, are squeamish about or believe have a certain age and space.
 
That kind of trust comes with being conscious about your parenting, and taking an approach that you are here to discover the world again with your child, and that while you do know a lot more, there is much that they are going to challenge you to think afresh about a number of things and how you feel about them.  It requires that parents spend a fair bit of time and energy to get to know the child, enjoy them for who they are, are encouraging without being too critical, supportive and loving.
 
Parenting can be very challenging, and even with the best of intentions, parents can say/ do things that threaten the trust. Some things that parents might do that hurt are:
  • Distracted hearing of the child when they prattle on about a number of things
  • Reacting to what they say with directives on what is right/ wrong, or what they should or should not do
  • Betray their confidence by sharing their confessions, however cute they may be, in family or other groups, or teasing them over it
  • Being inconsistent in their actions and messages, or lying or behaving in an untrustworthy manner themselves, with their children and/ or others
  • Physical punishment, especially without conversations about it, and more so if love hasn’t been established again
 
Children will keep testing parents to see if they are still trustworthy, and one of the big challenges of parenting is to stay open to such tests instead of reverting to parental authority to demand obedience.
 
Even if the trust has been shaken up, or has cracks in it, trust can be regained with effort:
  • Being consistent from here onwards. Be sure to keep your word, even if it is for simple things like a promised dinner treat, or getting home on time
  • Talk about your own thoughts and feelings. Acknowledge mistakes, apologize and make amends
  • Spend time. Talk and engage with your child.
“Before the child ever gets to school it will have received crucial, almost irrevocable sex education and this will have been taught by the parents, who are not aware of what they are doing.” 
― Mary Calderone

Age appropriate conversations

 Conversations on sex and health ideally should start really early and happen all through life, in an age-appropriate manner.  Even before starting such conversations, it is important that the parents learn about body, sex and health themselves, and be sure that they have appropriate understanding. 
  • With infants, as they begin to communicate verbally or otherwise, start with naming body parts with their biological names, instead of euphemisms. For children who are developmentally challenged or have impairments, work with a special educator to learn how to help the child understand and communicate.
  • Current thinking suggests that it is important for children starting right from infancy to be able to see and normalize adult intimacy, while maintaining privacy
  • As a child grows into a 2 to 6 year-old, they can be taught the basics of intimacy, and the space for their own privacy, and concepts of safe and unsafe contact.
  • For early school children, teach them about diversity in gender and sexuality, and to respect each other’s boundaries, privacy and identity. Understanding of sexual intimacy can deepen at this stage, to consensual intercourse between adults, and prepare for puberty
  • Between 9 and 14, as children come into their own puberty, greater detail on body changes, sexuality, masturbation, safety, consent are all important. Any child who experiences their body changing differently from the norm, or feeling different needs extra attention and care. Parents may want to take specialist attention at this time.
  • Teens get private, but given a longer term engagement with the topic, chances are there will be space for ongoing discussions. 
Parents who are able to engage with their children starting very early have a better chance of being able to stay connected with their children as they grow.

Who should have the sex talk?

It is a myth that these conversations are best between father and son, and mother and daughter. It is often our own discomfort that gets mirrored as if it were a rule, especially in families where traditionally gender roles have been very firm and fixed. In fact, when all genders can talk about body, sex and safety with each other, a lot more respect and awareness for everyone is likely.
 
Segregating body, sex and safety talk by genders also could have the aspect of making it a bigger mystery and either glorifying or demonizing it, and could have the unfortunate side-effect of impairing ability to converse with people of different genders and making it the awkward, gangly teenager talk that one is so used to seeing in popular media.  Breaking through this myth, and being able to talk about body, sex and safety in the presence of all the genders in the family normalizes it and helps the child feel a lot more relaxed and comfortable in social situations.
 
We would encourage that parents could jointly have these conversation, or both have parallel on-going chats about the topic whenever the need comes up. Should topics that are apparently gender-specific (such as menstruation, night fall etc) come up with the parent of other genders, then we would still suggest that the person it comes up with engages in the conversation, or brings in others while continuing to be part of the conversation.
 
If your partner is unwilling to have the talk with the child, either separately or with you:
  • Start with saying that they need to talk about these topics with the child, or that they might miss out on an important parent-child connection that cannot easily be got again
  • Acknowledge that they may be shy or embarrassed, or ignorant in this topic, but that this is important and that it will need to happen.
  • Keep the conversation going between the parents. Help educate each other, and should it be needed, learn more from books, websites, doctors or other trusted sources.
  • Practice the conversations with the child. Try and predict possible queries or comments, or reactions and work with them.
  • Be with each other in this experience, and enjoy it.

What after the sex talk?

​Conversations on sex and health are much more than just the basics of reproduction.  Even before starting conversations about reproduction, it is important that parents talk to their children about body, sex, safety, consent and health. Even after having the birds and the bees talk, it is still important to continue to engage with the children on the topic, especially on matters related to safety, consent and health.
 
Children go through on ongoing exploration and understanding of their body and the social norms that go with body, sex and health and will have ongoing needs for information and learning. Some of the key conversations that will continue to be important through teenage and older are:
  • Consent. Children will need to learn to offer and value consent. The ability to respect oneself and others is a learned behavior. Engaging with consent from a point of respect and empathy is a key aspect of learning to be responsible adults
  • Safety: Education on birth control, condom usage, sexual hygiene are key aspects that one grows into and need to learn
  • Sex and intimacy: Learning to value sex as intimacy, and its space in relationships and the social norms surrounding such behavior
  • Support: For many people, early sexual experiences can be confusing, and often times, not quite pleasant. Ability to seek support, talk through what happened and prepare themselves can help develop a more positive relationship with their body and sex.
  • Support also extends to the associated relationships, and the inevitable tough decisions on when and with whom, and where, and often, the heart-breaks and heartaches that go with the territory.

Worried about what kids are learning from their environment?

Children learn and form their own identity, aspirations and express themselves based on what they learn from every source available to them, including friends, internet, magazines, TV shows, teachers, seniors at school and everything else, and apply it to what they believe about themselves. The sad truth is that there is so much information out there that is patriarchal, body-shaming, sex-shaming and just not good at all.

Parents seeking to bring up their children free from stereotypes and with a lot more personal freedom do have an uphill task, and need to be very clear on their parenting involvement from the start. Some key things for such parents to incorporate would be:
  • Ensure a wide range of exposure to the child. Curtail some of the intrusive and yet persuasive media such as fairytales, and replace them with more secular stories
  • Take extra care when sharing religion, mythology or other such traditional aspects as they often come loaded with gender stereotyping
  • Encourage independent critical thinking from an early stage. Ask the child often what she feels like, thinks and wants. Help the child have a clear individual perspective, while maintaining empathy
  • Watch any shared play time, play dates etc with other children, and look to influence such times to help your child and her company to consider and choose among a variety of options
  • Actively campaign and lobby schools and other institutions that the child goes to so that they are more evaluative of what they say, rather than pass on unhelpful material
 
We believe that one of the core principles of parenting is that it is an act of responsibility, and some of that responsibility is also about taking a wider perspective regarding children's safety.

When do you seek help?
If you find that you have not really paid much attention to talking about body, sex and safety with your child, and now it is high time, or you find that you want to learn more about it, please call.

We do hope to see more parents who want to proactively learn to address these topics, challenge their own understanding, and be more positive in how they talk to their children.

That said, if at any time, you believe you have reason to be concerned that your child might be sexually active, or have been coerced into sexual activity, and you want to check in on how to address it, please talk to a counsellor right away.

More Information
1. TARSHI  
2.Parenting.com on Talking to kids about sex
3  KidsHealth.org on  Q&A on talking to kids about sex 
4. Healthy Feminism on Teaching Kids Consent
5. NSPCC: Talking about difficult topics