Playground Politics: A Parenting Primer

In the perfect world, kids treat each other with kindness, take turns, stand up to bullies and celebrate uniqueness. They also welcome outsiders to join their cliques until they are all one big happy family. Reality paints a different picture: kids fight, argue, make and break friendships, jealousies abound, tears are shed, personalities clash and parents draw battle lines to protect their children. ​As children begin their process of socializing, parents find that they are thrown into a brand new phase of adult socializing as well - a rite-of-passage they must endure! 

---

‘…our close identification with our children means we can feel every trivial snub and jibe our kids experience all too keenly…’ Dr. Stephen Briers, ‘Playground politics for adults’

Here are some ‘Playground Issues’ you may be facing as a parent:

• Who should you invite to your child’s party? 
• What do you do when your child is not invited?
• Do you intervene or stand back when you see a fight in progress?
• What do you do when an adult is picking on your child?
• Do you correct another child when her parent is absent?
• Are the other parents isolating you and your child?
• How do you deal with bullying?

So. What can you do as a parent to survive playground politics?
Although there are no perfect answers, here are some guidelines that can help:
1. Think about what your child really needs:

• Consider your child’s age and skills when you decide to intervene or stand back. If it is a group of two-year olds throwing stones at each other, by all means, step in. 
• Pick your battles. Step in only if your child's safety or health is really at risk
• Depending on the age, equip your child with strategies to call out hurtful/harmful behavior.
• Respect your child’s choices. Support their unique efforts at socializing rather than impose your dreams onto your child. 

2. Have a clear perspective on what the playtime is really about:

• Playgrounds are training grounds to learn social skills.
• Expect that there will be hurts, falls, mistakes, lapses of judgment and clashes. Your role is not to protect your child from every hurt, but to keep an eye on bigger things. 
• Don’t limit your child’s social circle to one society/community/group. Open up their world so that they have different arenas to socialize in and conflicts in one group won't bring their world crashing down. 
• Have alternatives to group play. Help your child develop interests that keep her occupied by herself– art, music, an instrument, etc. can give hours of joy to a child. 

3. Be open to receiving feedback. Be careful about giving feedback:

• Most parents don’t take kindly to hearing criticism about their children, however wrong they may be. Avoid taking playground issues to the parent, unless you have a very strong reason to do so. 
• If you need to take a matter up with a child’s parent, consider the long-term repercussions first. Examine how it might affect your child’s future relationships. 
• Be open to hearing comments about your child from others. Be open to examine your own actions.

4. Check in on what's happening at home:

• Model desired behavior at home. Show empathy at home, model ‘fair fighting’ with your partner, demonstrate how to make up after a fight. Model through your own social interactions.
• Offer your child/children a supportive, loving environment at home that bolsters their self-esteem.
• Create openness so your children can approach you if there is anything that’s troubling them

5. Take care of yourself:

• Address your own needs first. Are you internalizing your child’s conflicts and emotions? Are you projecting on them your own insecurities and fears?
• Find your ‘tribe’. Keep your search on for fellow parents who ‘get you’, share similar value systems and parenting styles. Lean on them when you need to.

Remember that your child will undergo some growing pain as he learns the ropes. This can be very hard to watch, but allowing him to experiencing these trials under your caring protection will equip him with lifelong skills.  If you unable to handle a situation or it is getting out of hand, reach out to community resources/ friends/ a counselor for help.