InnerSight
  • Home
  • Counselling Services
    • Individual Counselling
    • Couple Counselling
    • Child & Adolescent Counselling
    • Family Counselling
    • Counselling for Specific Needs
    • Diversity Counselling
  • EAP/ Corporate Services
    • Training Services
  • InnerSight's Self-Help Pages
    • Counselling FAQs
    • Self-Assessment
  • Contact InnerSight
    • About Us

Cognitions: The InnerSight Blog

Old flames

2/9/2019

Comments

 
When you are in a relationship, especially one where monogamy is presumed or has actually been talked about and agreed to, the presence of an old flame can be one of the main thorns that keep coming up for the people in the relationship. This is even more so if the old relationship was a fairly serious one, in that the person was someone who was really attractive to your partner and it was a case of some missed opportunity or circumstances.
 
Imagine this: your partner had this high-school sweetheart and they had been dating each other on the sly for years without either family getting to know about it. They had super-hot chemistry, had spent a lot of time together, talked about everything under the sun and just happened to be discovered in their relationship by jealous relatives or friends who report it back to their respective families. Those families, for whatever reason, did not approve of the relationship and made the couple break it off. In India, there is no dearth of reasons for families to interfere and control relationships, is there? It could be anything from religion, to caste, community, economic status, career not begun yet, older siblings and cousins who are still in the queue, too young, too old, or that you are not really an independent entity and that it is the parents who need to decide for you even though you are an adult, or even just plain meanness.  In such a situation, where the young sweethearts call it off, go their separate ways, find other loves, get into other relationships which now include you, and then rediscover each other one fine day, how comfortable would you be?
 
It is one thing when there are every day flirtations with some new attractions that crop up in work circles or social spaces. You could tell yourself that you are aware enough and could cut it out, nip it in the bud and move forward, but with an old flame that was only tragically cut off, it is a whole another deal. You very likely know the whole story, commiserated with your partner and even helped each other heal. You may feel you even know this person so closely from everything you have heard from your partner and perhaps even the family. It feels a lot more dangerous and a very present danger.
 
You might on one hand want to allow them to have a more adult closure to their old relationship, or you might want to keep a really close eye on that person, perhaps even create a friendship between the two of you in the sense of “keep your friends close, and your enemies closer,” or you might think about putting down the law and telling your partner to stay far away – that there is no knowing when an old flame might reignite.
 
The anxiety really isn’t about the old flame, but about the strength of your love. Your actions need to be about this relationship, and not necessarily about the other.

As written for The New Indian Express
Comments

    RSS Feed

    InnerSight Bloggers

    Ajanta, Mahesh and other InnerSight counsellors and guest contributors are happy to share their thoughts here.
    Some of these articles have been published elsewhere and are reproduced here with permission.
    ​

    Categories

    All
    Accomodation
    Addiction
    Affair
    Affection
    Alpha Male
    Anger
    Anger Management
    Appraisal
    Arm Candy
    Assertiveness
    #b4stage4
    Bangalore
    Belonging
    BetaRevolution
    Beta Revolution
    Body Positive
    Bollywood
    Boundaries
    Child Counselling
    Children
    Chivalry
    Choice
    Cleanup
    Clutter
    Comfort
    Communication
    Community
    Companionship
    Conflict
    Conflict Management
    Connect
    Consent
    Cool
    Corporate Counselling
    COunselling
    Counselling In Popular Culture
    Couple Counselling
    Couple Goals
    Couples
    Covid
    Crisis
    Cross-cultural Issues
    Death
    Deepavali
    Depression
    #DepressonLet'sTalk
    Desire
    Destination
    Discipline
    Diversity
    Diwali
    Dying
    EAP
    Eating Out
    Fact
    Fairytales
    Families Of Origin
    Family
    Family Counselling
    Fight
    Flying
    Food
    Fortune
    Freedom
    Friendship
    Games
    Games Couples Play
    Gardening
    Gender
    Gender Roles
    Genie
    Gifting
    Gossip
    Grief
    Happy New Year
    Hate
    Health
    Heartbreak
    Heat
    Holidays
    Home
    Homework
    Horoscopes
    Illness
    Incel
    Independence
    India
    InPlainSpeak
    Insecurity
    Intimacy
    Ipad
    Journal
    Journey
    Joy
    Kathua
    Kiss
    Lockdown
    Loneliness
    Love
    Love O Logy
    Love-o-logy
    Machismo
    Marie Kondo
    Marr
    Marriage
    Marriages
    Masculinity
    Meaning
    Media
    Mental Health
    #MeToo
    Mindfulness
    Mobile
    Mother's Day
    Motivation
    Netflix
    No
    Obsession
    Oxygen Masks
    Parenting
    Personal Well Being
    Personal Well-being
    PIP
    Playtime
    Politics
    Prediction
    Privacy
    Rape
    Reactions
    Recharge
    Relationship
    Relationships
    Resilience
    Romance
    Sadness
    Saying No
    School
    Security
    Self Care
    Self-compassion
    Self Esteem
    Self-esteem
    Self-harm
    Self Image
    Self-image
    Self-sabotage
    Self-talk
    Sex
    Sexual Assault
    Sexual Harassment
    Sexuality
    Sickness
    Smart Phones
    Social Media
    Social Norms
    Space
    Streaming
    Stress
    Summer
    Support
    Swiggy
    TARSHI
    Technology
    Teenagers
    Therapy
    Traffic
    Tragedy
    Transparency
    Trauma
    Travel
    Trigger
    Trust
    Truth
    Valentines Day
    Values
    Vulnerability
    Weather
    Weightwatchers
    Whatsapp
    Wish
    Women's Day
    Work
    Work-Life Balance
    WorldMentalHealthDay2017
    Yes
    Zomato

    Archives

    September 2020
    August 2020
    April 2020
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    April 2017
    February 2017
    December 2016
    September 2016
    June 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015

    RSS Feed

Copyright: 2012, InnerSight Counselling & Training Centre LLP.             Phone: +919611405684/ +919980781314  email: counsellors@innersight.in
  • Home
  • Counselling Services
    • Individual Counselling
    • Couple Counselling
    • Child & Adolescent Counselling
    • Family Counselling
    • Counselling for Specific Needs
    • Diversity Counselling
  • EAP/ Corporate Services
    • Training Services
  • InnerSight's Self-Help Pages
    • Counselling FAQs
    • Self-Assessment
  • Contact InnerSight
    • About Us